Today I'm Thinking | About Being Perfect
Today I’m Thinking | Blog Post #6
I’ve listened to many, many speakers on the topic of perfectionism. I KNOOOOWWWWW it’s a useless if not exasperating characteristic. I KNOW it kills joy. I KNOW it demands the impossible from us. I KNOW perfectionism is not good for a single soul on this planet. And still. Here I am. In all my perfectionistic glory-shame, like so many of us.
After decades of practice (since about 7 years old) I’ve become very good at seeming to be cool, calm, and collected on the outside while feeling all the feelings on the inside. A maladaptive coping mechanism for sure. Basically, there are two ways I have of feeling genuinely cool, calm and collected. The first is when I’m focused on well-being practices like gratitude, meditation, relaxation, and self-love. These can often put me in the right headspace to feel peaceful inside and out. The second way is when all the people and all the things in my life are exactly where I think they need to be and are doing what I think they should be doing. Which, it turns out, is pretty much never. So this isn’t the smartest go-to strategy. I, like so many of us, have been trained by society and family to appear cool, calm, and collected while giving 100% effort to make sure every soul around me is perfectly happy and not the least bit bothered by my presence or needs. Easy right?! I’ve had to work extremely hard just to realize that being a perfectionist is not a badge of honor but a really freaking limiting behavior and way of thought that not only does a great deal of harm to my own happiness but ultimately does a disservice to the happiness of those around me, particularly to the ones who love me most.
If you don’t believe that I am a perfectionist please let me share this very embarrassing account with you. At the very young age of about 23, I once sat on the floor IN FRONT of my couch for a whole week to be sure I would not disturb the vacuum lines and throw pillow fluffs I had so perfectly created. At the end of a week, I did finally realize, thanks to the extremely uninviting tile floors and a kink in my neck, that this was a ridiculous way to live and started sitting on my couch again. Also, I should mention, I realized that my couch was microfiber so I could just “reactivate” the vacuum marks by rubbing my hand across the cushion back and forth when I got up, and once again it would be perfect. Lesson not really learned. Perfectionist to the max.
The repercussions of perfectionism have really only recently begun to sink in for me. Somehow my well-trained little mind always told me that it wasn’t that big of a problem, maybe even good to reach for perfection. I thought that people wouldn’t discover what a mess I really felt like trying to do the impossible task of being perfect inside and out. And for some, that’s true. They will never notice you people-pleasing the day away. Takers will take until there’s nothing left to take. They won’t notice or care that the taking is very quietly killing the one offering everything. These are not the people that perfectionism hurts, these are the people who created perfectionists. The people who our perfectionism hurts, aside from us, are the ones who see us on a deeper level and love us the most. They know our deep care and they see it used against us. Their hearts break a little each time they see us go against our true nature and say yes to yet one more request for someone else's well-being. They also know when we’re not being honest in situations like saying everything is just fine when it’s really not. I have one particular person in my life who offers me this kindness and it’s made me realize that when I worry so much about other people and what they might think I am not caring for myself or this special person.
“When we keep things that we want to share inside ourselves, we are keeping them from coming to life.”
Perfectionism is really a sick and twisted concept. If we are even aware that we are indeed perfectionists, we are simultaneously proud of and ashamed of this fact. If we are perfectionists, I believe there is some measure of terror in us that we’re not good enough. I think that someone close to us growing up was demanding impossibilities from us to deal with their own unhappiness and both praising us for attempting their impossible demands while also repeatedly assuring us that we would never be good enough to actually make it through the hoops they wanted us to jump through. And this is the feeling of being simultaneously proud for having tried, and ashamed for attempting something that goes against our hearts and that we know is a ridiculous and impossible feat.
Brene Brown says, “Where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking." This was a hard pill to swallow because I don’t feel I have much shame in my life. Yet, when I read those words I could feel the truth for me in them. This trained perfectionism feels like a burden I must attempt to hold and trudge through life with because someone, somewhere along my little way, told me I should and the world would like me more if I did. And so I have. Until recently. The burden of perfectionism isn’t quite like a heavy load that you can just drop though. It’s more like being all wrapped up in layers of tight clothing that have been secured with a hundred buckles. Every buckle released sets you one step closer to freedom but it’s gonna take a while. Just like our yoga practice happens little by little, breath by breath, over the course of years our journey of self-discovery and healing happens the same way. It’s a practice.
Perfectionism is not something any of us are born with. It is something that has been trained into us. We were born caring and feeling a bit more deeply than most around us, and that inclination to care deeply was manipulated by the adult(s) around us so that they could feel more in control. Our deep care for life was slowly turned into caring about what others thought of our life. Our deep care for ourselves slowly turned into caring what others thought about us. Our deep care for the well-being of everyone slowly turned into caring about if others thought we were doing enough and being enough. Perfectionism is not part of our truest self. It is a mask we’ve learned to wear in order to feel acceptable. I don’t think perfectionism stems from our heart/soul but from our brain. It is a learned behavior, not innate.
We are so vulnerable to these lies as children but as adults, as beautiful, whole, grown-ass adults, we have more choice than to accept perfectionism as a personality trait. We have more agency. We can slowly begin the process of remembering OUR original deep care and love for life and let go of the worry and concern about what OTHERS think.
For those of us who do struggle with this behavior here are a few pointers that I’m working through myself.
Perfectionism has nothing to do with caring about your work, being meticulous, thoughtful, or striving for excellence in life. Rather, I’m saying that perfectionism takes AWAY from these qualities by placing us in a state of fear and shame. Perfectionism freezes our potential for growth by making us hold back and become obsessive with being approved of and liked by as many people as possible at the cost of our own happiness. I am not suggesting that we slop and slob our way through life. There is a distinct difference between perfectionism and caring about excellence. Perfectionists are doing what they do for extrinsic approval. While a healthy approach is to do what you do for the intrinsic value.
When we live from a perfectionistic lens it can also be very easy to become overwhelmed by simple tasks and projects. Rather than being excited for the learning and growth that will come from trying something new, we allow the standard of “perfect” to hold us back from ever trying or we make it to the trying part but never finish. The mere idea of all the unknown and possible mistakes along the way and thinking about everyone's opinion of us is just too painful. We stop before we ever start or procrastinate so that we never finish. Since we feel absolutely overwhelmed we make excuses and justify all the reasons for why we haven’t launched yet, started yet, finished yet, created yet.
In all honesty, I have been slow in releasing these blog posts. I had planned on writing every other week and as of now, it’s been one every other month! I have so much I want to express. Nothing earth-shaking. Just a desire to spark new thoughts, understanding, and perspective in your own mind so that we keep conversations flowing and we keep expanding in what we know and what we feel. However, my mind is so well trained in shallow care that I forget my deep care and I keep editing and procrastinating, and deleting until week after week goes by and I offer nothing. I LOVE writing. I love writing to YOU. And yet, it takes so much effort to hit the publish button.
I heard Martha Beck describing the process of sharing art as a perfectionist. She spoke about a) what we create in our mind is almost guaranteed to be better than what we are able to create in reality, and that’s 100% ok! And b) that as hard as it is to do, the kindest, humblest, bravest thing we can do is allow what we create to be seen by those who could benefit from it. Even though we may NEVER feel that it is actually ready to be seen, we should allow the world to experience a piece of what lies inside us.
Some reminders when you’re feeling the squeeze of perfectionism:
The people who will judge you harshly for sharing a very important part of yourself, don’t deserve your attention
This paralyzing perfectionism is not part of your truest self - it’s a trained/learned behavior
Perfectionism and people-pleasing are like troublesome siblings - very closely related and both need to be watched closely or trouble will ensue
You would most likely support ANYONE else in offering their gifts, so offer yourself the same support and kindness
Try imagining yourself looking in the bathroom mirror feeling not 100% ready to leave the house but stepping out into the world anyway because there is life to experience. Not quite ready perhaps, seeing some flaws perhaps, but willing to walk out into the day.
Be welcoming rather than fearful of loving criticism from experts and people who really care about you. Do this while knowing that you can trust yourself. You have the final say. The knowledge of your inner guidance gives you the ability to sift the beneficial advice from the unhelpful advice.
When we keep things that we want to share inside ourselves, we are keeping them from coming to life.
Today, I’m thinking, I want to ask for your forgiveness and your openness. I want to ask you to forgive me when my perfectionism gets the better of me and I don’t offer my thoughts and my gifts. I want to ask for your openness to receive what I do share with a curious mind and heart. Enjoy the parts of my work that resonate with you and let go of what doesn’t connect with you, leaving it for someone else.
And then, I ask that you do the same for yourself. With the same ease which I know you were willing to do for me. Show up and offer your gifts. Forgiving yourself when you miss the mark and being fully open to yourself without all the judgments. Let life be fun!
Just as most of us will continue to step out of our homes each day and show up for the world just a little less perfect than we’d like, I hope this post may spark some inspiration in us all to drop the act of perfection and step out into life letting our desires, our art, our ideas, our dreams, and our goals manifest, even in all their imperfections. But please, let them manifest. Don’t wait to start and don’t stall the finishing. Offer the best version of you and your gifts NOW. Don’t wait. You never know who needs what you have to offer. As hard as it can be, sometimes the kindest, humblest, bravest thing you can do is let yourself walk out into the world and come to life.
“Start before you’re ready. Stop before you’re finished.”
There is so much more that can be said on this topic and this post will never feel complete to me, but to stay in integrity with everything this post is about I will leave it here and hit the publish button. =)
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